Seeing as its Christmastimez, and I know for a fact that I’m a difficult person to shop for, I present to you, as a preface to a srz bzns post -

My Wishlist:


* PlayStation 2 DVDs of the following games:
* .//Hack GU Vol. 1 – Vol. 4
* Kingdom Hearts Re: Chain of Memories
* Musashi: Samurai Legend
* Onimusha 1-4
* Persona 4
* A Kingdom Hearts cap
* A Bleach cap
* Katekyo Hitman Reborn DVDs (episode 1 - current)
* Mahou Sentai Magiranger DVDs
* A mini-plushie of Kon
* A Metallic Blue PlayStation Portable
* A Guitar Hero On Tour DS
* Guitar Hero World Tour
* Cash (because all the above items are crazy, hahaha)



This is an extremely serious and personal freaking out moment kind of post, seriously, I. Have. Issues. You can call me evil and bitter, but I need to let this out, so don’t read this if this might get to you.

Can I just say it? I’m not quite looking forward to going home to Zamboanga… Not for the reasons you lot are thinking (Those reasons being me not being able to be away from someone and not seeing said someone.), rather for reasons that sometimes make me wish my parents were… Liberal.

See, my mom has a huge thing for family, even when they treat you like dirt, family is more important… Psh, tell me something I don’t know. I’m sorry, but the last thing I wanted was to be treated like a walking pile of trash while I went through puberty.

The last thing I wanted was for my mom to treat my cousin as her son more than me.

That was eight years ago.

And I’ve never forgotten every moment of my life in Zamboanga. Never.

And for eight years, I’ve been yearning to let my past go, let everything that’s happened to me go, to not wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of what happened to me earlier this year. To not feel like an idiot, to not feel like I’m a total loser whose sole purpose in life is to exist and nothing more.

Two nights ago, I did, I let go of all the memories haunting me. I still worry about some things now, but I’m trying to not let it consume me.

I wasn’t always so serious and sort of boring, though… I used to be vibrant and really happy. Somehow, something happened to me that was bad enough for me to repress all those memories. In fact, you could say half the memories I have between 2nd, 3rd, 4th grade and 1st year are bits and pieces. Snatches. The rest are all repressed. Some of them have come to the surface, some haven’t.

What those memories were, I’ll have to keep to myself for now. I think time is what I need before I tell you – my friends – everything… But trust me when I say I’m much better now than when any of you first met me. Still not the embodiment of perfection as some would like me to be, but tempered, maybe stronger…

There isn’t much else to me than what anyone sees… If there’s anything else, I probably keep it inside until its okay to be let out… Which it rarely ever is.

I’ve lived a quarter-life, I guess… I can’t call it a half-life because I’ve somehow lived with equal amounts of happiness and sadness. The biggest issue I’ve had to deal with is my lack of confidence. I don’t believe in myself, at all… People say I have talent, I don’t think I do. My friends say I’m “cool”, “unique”… I don’t see anything cool or unique… I see…

A boy, 14 or 16, stuck in a body of a 21 year old. I don’t know how I made it this far, seriously. But I’ve accepted that my mind works on a younger wavelength for some reason… Hence, here’s a piece of teenangst from my journal, circa 2007. I reiterate, this was from a LONG time ago.

I have this… Jealousy thing… There’s this cosplayer, and she’s totally awesome, her entire group is awesome… Part of me wants to be what she is, and believe me, that’s a tall order.

But how am I supposed to do all that? I don’t have legions of fans or the ability to churn out awesome cosplay. Okay, I have a FEW people who like it when I get up there but that changes nothing… What keeps me from the stage is the adage, “doing it wrong”. I don’t want to do it wrong, AT ALL. So how I see myself as a cosplayer is either I do it right, or I don’t do it at all.

I never did like thinking like this. I don’t think I like this anymore, sort of. I still want to do things right, but doesn’t everyone? I love cosplaying, and it saddens me that it’s become a joke… A lot of people don’t cosplay for the fun, they do it to win, to compete... Cosplay used to be crazy fun, and sometimes, it still is… I’m not calling anyone out, I’m not looking for drama, this is just the opinion of someone who loves cosplay.

I did it wrong as well. I cosplayed Riku a couple times, in spite of the fact that I wasn’t the right height, the right weight… I’m surprised people didn’t call me out on it… But I looked at the pictures and realized that I did it totally wrong. WAY wrong. But I got over it, took time off from cosplay to figure out who I wanted to be… I’m still on that time-out, but I know which characters I want to be, and I want to do all of them right.

One of my friends was heckled by a non-fan of Death Note once, yelling out for everyone to hear that “there was no Matt in Death Note”. ‘Tard probably saw the movie, not the anime or manga. But it had an impact on my friend… She felt really bad after, ‘cause everyone laughed at her, even if she did that costume justice.

It was the first Mangaholix, I believe… I could be mistaken… But it was at MoA, pre-SMX.

Wow, this post is turning /nerdrage… In any case… That wasn’t right.

Back to the issue at hand… I’m leaving for Zamboanga on the 21st. I don’t particularly want to go to Zamboanga, but I miss my friends, and my cousins. I’m going back because I have a box of comics, guides and books tucked away somewhere there.

See, my dad and I share an opinion here… One which I choose not to impart to my readers, because it’s full of angst, and even if its righteous angst, my multiply/blogger/DA has enough angst without me adding moar.

Although… Thanks to tha intarwebz, it’ll be like I never left… ~chortles.

As for cosplay plans... Hmm... I'll tell y'all later.

I have returned, with my first EVER published yaoi artwork, fan art and original fiction.

Wow. Um, in light of recent things, if anyone ever managed to capture the 500th and 1000th view of my page, please send it to me... I'd like to put up more artwork and a couple of kiriban is a good excuse.

Which means the next ones up for grabs are the 1,500th and 2000th view.

Please enjoy~

~sad note~

My memory card went floozy with all my saved games. My trophy saves are gone, as well as my Wild Arms: The Vth Vanguard and Persona 3: FES saves. Sad, but life goes on.

I think I'm getting my groove back a little. And I have AirGear to thank for it (plus all the Wiccan x Hulkling goodness)

and







They just... I just love them to bits... cris-art especially. You wanna know why? Check out his gallery... (Hint: yaoi)

Anyway, I'm currently working on a few things... I hope to get them up here soon even if they are total crap... XDD

If you've noticed... I haven't submitted a deviation, and I mean artwork, in a long time... I've scrapped about a hundred drawings, and its made me depressed beyond belief.

I don't know why... I can't draw at all lately, and every time I look at my deviantart, I see people who're a lot more talented than I am... It makes me overly-conscious of my own artwork... I can't draw the way they do... I can't even use Photoshop well enough to save my life...

I try to draw every night... But nothing seems to faze me enough to get me to draw... AND I see all the Kingdom Hearts artwork and I just wanna keel over and die.

I wanna give up, 'cause even my sister's on DA and she's better than me already...

1. What time is it? : 1:15 pm

2. Full Name: Kitsuhara Kisuke Mizui [Carlo Miguel Castañeda]

3. Birthday: 21/04/87

4. Have you been in love?: Yes

5. Are you in love right now?: Yes... Sorta

6. Which color is your underwear?: Black

7. Have you been drunk?: Yes, five times this summer.

8. Did you love so deeply to cry for someone?: Yes

9. Ever been in a car crash? Yeah...

10. Parfum?: Penshoppe Paints - Orange

11. Sprite or Seven up?: Pepsi

12. Beer or wine?: Beer

13. Coffee or tea?: Coffee, mocha preferrably

14. If you were a crayon, which color would you be?: Sea Green

15. Plain color pyjama... or with lil animals on it?: Blue with white stripes... Maybe

16. Favourite food: Tempura/French Fries

17. Best part to be kissed?: Neck

19. Flower: Tulip

20. Topic you hate the most: Sex

21. Your typical girl: Someone smart, but has a good sense of humor...

22. Do you have a crush on someone?: Yes

23. Favourite movie: Pirates of The Carribean

24. Hugs or kisses?: Both

25. Last time you were in a hospital?: Hospitalized? 20 years ago. For other purposes... 5 years ago.

26. What color is the carpet/floor in your bedroom?: Tiles

27. How was your teddy Bear named?: Knight

28.Where do you picture yourself in 15 years?: Travelling the world, going to video game shows, travelling to see the world.

29. From who did you receive this shit?: Got tagged months ago, copied it and pasted it in my computer... Don't remember who.

30. Which one of your friends lives more far away from you?: I have a friend in France, one in Japan, and several in the USA

31. How much do you love/loved school?: I loved high school 45% of the time, and college 80% of the time.

32. Are you resentmentful?: Just a bit.

33.Who do you think is going to answer all this sooner?: People who've got too much time on their hands.

34. Pets?: A dog, 3 kittens with another on the way

35. Best friend?: Suzy, Allen and 4 other people... You know who you are.

37. What would you change about your life?: I'd change the fact that I'm a bit attatched to my past.

38.How much rings before picking up the phone?: 2

39. Weakness?: My friends.

40. First thing that pops up to your mind when you wake up: I wonder how _ _ _ _ is today?

41. Storms: Only if I'm indoors, with a hot mug of chocolate.

42. If you could be someone else, who would you like to be?: I'd like to be more like... Anyone who isn't afraid to let go.

43. Something you always wear and never take off: My glasses, except when I go to bed.

44. Have you ever been depressed?: Yeah.

45.What's below your bed?: Boxes

46. What's your dreamcar?: 2007 Mazda 3 MPS

47. Who sent you this?: I don't remember.

48. Do you hate someone??: Not particularly.

49. Who would you like to answer this: Anyone

50. What would you say to someone and you don't dare?:
One more out of you and I'll kiss you. (I actually did this once...)

51. Prefered colours: Black, White, Green, Blue

52. Overused phrases/words: Whatever...

53. Favourite Book?: Inheritance Trilogy, Abhorsen Trilogy

54: The best?: The best friends you'll ever have are the ones you've lost and found again.

55. What do you do when you're bored?: read a book

57. Open or serious relationship?: Serious.

58. What's Life for you?: A story that you have to write on your own terms

59. Which shampoo do you use?: H&S

60. Favourite song?: Sen No Yoru O Koete by Aqua Timez

61. Saddest moment in your life?: I don't want to talk about it.

62. Do you love someone right now?: Yeah, sadly.

64 What do you look for at the opposite sex?: Wittyness

63. Funniest person you know?: My sister

65. Do you fear something?: I'm afraid of being alone...

66. What do you think about death?: Its inevitavble...

67. Have you had a crush on a close friend of yours: Yes.

68. How many time does it take for you to get ready for going out?: 15-45 minutes.

69. Place you would like to be right now?: Somewhere cozy with someone I'm in like with.

70. Favourite Magazine: Shonen Jump/Famitsu

71. Would you kiss passionately the person who sent you this?: Maybe, if only I could remember who sent it.

72. What would you like to have in your life the most?: Someone special.

73. Which season do you like the most?: Winter.

74. Where would you go in vacation time?: Somwhere in London or Worcester... Maybe Abbingdon.

75. Would you go to live in another country?: Yeah.

76. Who has never failed to you?: ...

77. Hot or cold?: Cold

78. Letter or mail?: Letter

79. Who do you miss the most?: _ _ _ _

80. What makes you smile?: seeing people happy, little kids with their parents...

81. Favourite cartoon anime?: Bleach

82. Soccer Team: Real Madrid

83. Would you kiss someone of the persons you sent this?: If I can ever remember who, yeah possibly.

84. Favourite TV show: CSI

85. Do you like any sport?: Badminton, Soccer, Gun Kata

86. Worst feeling ever?: Standing right in front of someone I once loved and watching that person be with someone else.

87. Best feeling over the world?: Being told "I missed you"

88. Roller coasters?: Yeah!

89. How are you gonna name your son?: I'm naming him after someone special to me, and my dad.

90. How are you gonna name your daughter? After my best girl friends, and my mom

91. Chocolate or vanilla?: Both

92. How many pillows: 2

93. Do you sleep with fur animals?: I have a kitty

94. Favourite number?: 9

95. Favourite Toy?: A complet set of TMNT (1992)

96. What do you do if someone is trying to hunt your boyfriend/girlfriend?: They'll have to go through a wall of Keyblades.

98. Do you have coloured lamps: A yellow lava lamp in Zamboanga, I think it broke though.

99. Favourite dressing in a salad: Ew.

100. What don't you like to eat?: Salads.

101. Have you even gone to swim naked?: Yeah.

102. Who was the first one who said "Happy Birthday"; at your birthday's day?: My mom.

103: What time is now?: 1:40 pm