Seeing as its Christmastimez, and I know for a fact that I’m a difficult person to shop for, I present to you, as a preface to a srz bzns post -

My Wishlist:


* PlayStation 2 DVDs of the following games:
* .//Hack GU Vol. 1 – Vol. 4
* Kingdom Hearts Re: Chain of Memories
* Musashi: Samurai Legend
* Onimusha 1-4
* Persona 4
* A Kingdom Hearts cap
* A Bleach cap
* Katekyo Hitman Reborn DVDs (episode 1 - current)
* Mahou Sentai Magiranger DVDs
* A mini-plushie of Kon
* A Metallic Blue PlayStation Portable
* A Guitar Hero On Tour DS
* Guitar Hero World Tour
* Cash (because all the above items are crazy, hahaha)



This is an extremely serious and personal freaking out moment kind of post, seriously, I. Have. Issues. You can call me evil and bitter, but I need to let this out, so don’t read this if this might get to you.

Can I just say it? I’m not quite looking forward to going home to Zamboanga… Not for the reasons you lot are thinking (Those reasons being me not being able to be away from someone and not seeing said someone.), rather for reasons that sometimes make me wish my parents were… Liberal.

See, my mom has a huge thing for family, even when they treat you like dirt, family is more important… Psh, tell me something I don’t know. I’m sorry, but the last thing I wanted was to be treated like a walking pile of trash while I went through puberty.

The last thing I wanted was for my mom to treat my cousin as her son more than me.

That was eight years ago.

And I’ve never forgotten every moment of my life in Zamboanga. Never.

And for eight years, I’ve been yearning to let my past go, let everything that’s happened to me go, to not wake up screaming in the middle of the night because of what happened to me earlier this year. To not feel like an idiot, to not feel like I’m a total loser whose sole purpose in life is to exist and nothing more.

Two nights ago, I did, I let go of all the memories haunting me. I still worry about some things now, but I’m trying to not let it consume me.

I wasn’t always so serious and sort of boring, though… I used to be vibrant and really happy. Somehow, something happened to me that was bad enough for me to repress all those memories. In fact, you could say half the memories I have between 2nd, 3rd, 4th grade and 1st year are bits and pieces. Snatches. The rest are all repressed. Some of them have come to the surface, some haven’t.

What those memories were, I’ll have to keep to myself for now. I think time is what I need before I tell you – my friends – everything… But trust me when I say I’m much better now than when any of you first met me. Still not the embodiment of perfection as some would like me to be, but tempered, maybe stronger…

There isn’t much else to me than what anyone sees… If there’s anything else, I probably keep it inside until its okay to be let out… Which it rarely ever is.

I’ve lived a quarter-life, I guess… I can’t call it a half-life because I’ve somehow lived with equal amounts of happiness and sadness. The biggest issue I’ve had to deal with is my lack of confidence. I don’t believe in myself, at all… People say I have talent, I don’t think I do. My friends say I’m “cool”, “unique”… I don’t see anything cool or unique… I see…

A boy, 14 or 16, stuck in a body of a 21 year old. I don’t know how I made it this far, seriously. But I’ve accepted that my mind works on a younger wavelength for some reason… Hence, here’s a piece of teenangst from my journal, circa 2007. I reiterate, this was from a LONG time ago.

I have this… Jealousy thing… There’s this cosplayer, and she’s totally awesome, her entire group is awesome… Part of me wants to be what she is, and believe me, that’s a tall order.

But how am I supposed to do all that? I don’t have legions of fans or the ability to churn out awesome cosplay. Okay, I have a FEW people who like it when I get up there but that changes nothing… What keeps me from the stage is the adage, “doing it wrong”. I don’t want to do it wrong, AT ALL. So how I see myself as a cosplayer is either I do it right, or I don’t do it at all.

I never did like thinking like this. I don’t think I like this anymore, sort of. I still want to do things right, but doesn’t everyone? I love cosplaying, and it saddens me that it’s become a joke… A lot of people don’t cosplay for the fun, they do it to win, to compete... Cosplay used to be crazy fun, and sometimes, it still is… I’m not calling anyone out, I’m not looking for drama, this is just the opinion of someone who loves cosplay.

I did it wrong as well. I cosplayed Riku a couple times, in spite of the fact that I wasn’t the right height, the right weight… I’m surprised people didn’t call me out on it… But I looked at the pictures and realized that I did it totally wrong. WAY wrong. But I got over it, took time off from cosplay to figure out who I wanted to be… I’m still on that time-out, but I know which characters I want to be, and I want to do all of them right.

One of my friends was heckled by a non-fan of Death Note once, yelling out for everyone to hear that “there was no Matt in Death Note”. ‘Tard probably saw the movie, not the anime or manga. But it had an impact on my friend… She felt really bad after, ‘cause everyone laughed at her, even if she did that costume justice.

It was the first Mangaholix, I believe… I could be mistaken… But it was at MoA, pre-SMX.

Wow, this post is turning /nerdrage… In any case… That wasn’t right.

Back to the issue at hand… I’m leaving for Zamboanga on the 21st. I don’t particularly want to go to Zamboanga, but I miss my friends, and my cousins. I’m going back because I have a box of comics, guides and books tucked away somewhere there.

See, my dad and I share an opinion here… One which I choose not to impart to my readers, because it’s full of angst, and even if its righteous angst, my multiply/blogger/DA has enough angst without me adding moar.

Although… Thanks to tha intarwebz, it’ll be like I never left… ~chortles.

As for cosplay plans... Hmm... I'll tell y'all later.